tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-188557712011-11-27T16:30:21.685-08:00This is where I will compile all the jokes & forwards that I receive from all the random people I know all over the place. Just as a heads up, I find these funny to some degree, not all of them are clean or politically correct. Oh, and please check out my website and my other blogs, in the sidebar on the right. Kisses! <i>The R.O. Goddess</i>D.noreply@blogger.comBlogger6871100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-19013404528823674222008-09-18T20:54:00.002-07:002008-09-19T20:26:06.879-07:00

D.noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-26583627787152666132008-09-18T20:54:00.001-07:002008-09-18T20:54:58.356-07:00

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"Suddenly a

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-62884567157985732032008-06-27T21:20:00.000-07:002008-06-27T21:22:27.323-07:00

A study conducted by Tulane's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his

D.noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-81413509258767561502008-06-25T10:45:00.000-07:002008-06-25T10:46:08.845-07:00

I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word service. Internal Revenue Service, U.S. Postal Service, Telephone Service, T.V. Service, Civil Service, City & County Public Service, Customer Service, and Service Stations This is not what I thought service meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to service a few cows. BAM!!!

D.noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-65231069576260580132008-06-16T20:29:00.000-07:002008-06-16T20:35:45.370-07:00

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humor and creativity!!! When I was born, I was BLACKWhen I grew up, I was BLACKWhen I went in the sun, I stayed BLACKWhen I got cold, I was BLACK When I was scared, I was BLACKWhen I was sick, I was BLACKAnd when I die, I'll still be BLACK. NOW, You "white" folks.... When you're born, you're PINKWhen you

D.noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-11812656980387621602008-06-12T11:31:00.000-07:002008-06-12T11:32:49.764-07:00

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-79792361752741972132008-06-11T12:13:00.000-07:002008-06-11T12:14:16.684-07:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-66119917223463210212008-06-06T20:56:00.000-07:002008-06-06T21:00:52.501-07:00

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."**************************In a Podiatrist's office:"Time wounds all heels."**************************On a Septic Tank Truck:Yesterday's Meals on Wheels**************************At a Proctologist's door:"To expedite your visit please back in."**************************On a Plumber's truck:"We repair what your husband fixed."************

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-58722484999178245252008-06-05T21:22:00.000-07:002008-06-05T21:24:32.225-07:00

by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacherI've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles,

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-23823720947606438092008-06-02T18:25:00.000-07:002008-06-02T18:26:14.095-07:00

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.She takes out two cardboard men unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.Not

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-29951474524758278052008-06-01T19:58:00.000-07:002008-06-01T19:59:28.944-07:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-49291652142437351322008-05-28T14:57:00.000-07:002008-05-28T15:02:39.904-07:00

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone.'He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'The word got around and nobody called him that any more.Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-89757357669287606302008-05-22T09:54:00.000-07:002008-05-22T09:57:17.427-07:00

BARACK OBAMA:The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE! JOHN MC CAIN:My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. HILLARY CLINTON:When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-83533509126299441152008-04-22T15:59:00.000-07:002008-04-22T16:02:10.588-07:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-77114137530225704342008-04-20T22:17:00.000-07:002008-04-20T22:19:57.397-07:00

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-72953027656388550882008-04-08T10:43:00.000-07:002008-04-08T10:46:18.427-07:00

SingleMarriedDivorced

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-80844708919085950962008-04-08T10:27:00.000-07:002008-04-08T10:28:03.849-07:00

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" "I'm a whore," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, no, no. That won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-31026173272401232042008-04-04T17:48:00.000-07:002008-04-04T17:49:20.042-07:00

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-30111438099666680262008-03-06T22:53:00.000-08:002008-03-06T23:00:11.265-08:00

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Finally, Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Well, me boys, someone gots to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-55919968630940618692008-03-02T10:41:00.001-08:002008-03-02T10:42:34.728-08:00

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.Jones

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-16781450786088071512008-03-02T10:33:00.000-08:002008-03-02T10:35:28.887-08:00

The ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:"They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.""This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent to me.""Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time.""I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-70613546711594694382008-03-02T10:03:00.000-08:002008-03-02T10:05:02.440-08:00

A row of bottles on my shelfCaused me to analyze myself.One yellow pill I have to popGoes to my heart so it won't stop.A little white one that I takeGoes to my hands so they won't shake.The blue ones that I use a lotTell me I'm happy when I'm not.The purple pill goes to my brainAnd tells me that I have no pain.The capsules tell me not to wheezeOr cough or choke or even sneeze.The red ones,

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-65447152535975393392008-02-18T18:56:00.000-08:002008-02-18T19:32:01.065-08:00

D.noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-75753898267010972522008-02-15T23:33:00.000-08:002008-02-15T23:35:23.743-08:00

A Bunch of people froze in place in Grand Central Station in New York for 5 Minutes

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-27977896640356525272008-02-14T10:52:00.000-08:002008-02-14T10:54:53.390-08:00

Animator versus AnimatedJust watch...

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-79993036285882810632008-02-11T15:56:00.000-08:002008-02-11T15:57:34.537-08:00

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.'No, I don't,' she replied. 'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-21536105719561225232008-02-08T21:10:00.000-08:002008-02-08T21:11:48.374-08:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-3007605293753828902008-02-08T19:32:00.000-08:002008-02-08T19:35:25.879-08:00

A little boy was doing his maths homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine..."His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.Infuriated, the mother

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-11330710808948437422008-02-08T19:17:00.000-08:002008-02-08T19:18:04.179-08:00

A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old daughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their daughter

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-83518403542288410982008-02-04T19:47:00.000-08:002008-02-04T19:49:32.113-08:00

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-14792103745479734032008-01-30T13:03:00.000-08:002008-01-30T13:08:56.100-08:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-20802288716013711202008-01-30T12:24:00.000-08:002008-01-30T12:25:51.163-08:00

MONDAYIt's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. TUESDAYBill wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bill brought a friend home for supper. WEDNESDAYA good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-68553138706405869862008-01-29T18:25:00.000-08:002008-01-29T18:27:46.562-08:00

Two alligators were relaxing in the swamp talking.The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, and we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it.""Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?""Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator."Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?""Down ' other side

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-11503356464124278562008-01-27T22:00:00.000-08:002008-01-27T22:27:39.812-08:00

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt - sorry. i chose to delete this one.I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-80792392471694942112008-01-27T21:30:00.000-08:002008-01-27T21:35:11.588-08:00

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, & then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his

D.noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-83263113895765001722008-01-25T14:23:00.000-08:002008-01-25T14:26:07.069-08:00

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows.On the back of the picture is this inscription:"Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbedcthe

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-84377035956977456542008-01-05T19:33:00.000-08:002008-01-05T19:40:52.164-08:00

A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke... totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough. RECOGNIZING A STROKE Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-38129104704634279682008-01-04T11:27:00.000-08:002008-01-04T11:28:18.725-08:00

Jim Breuer Explains why you throw up when you drink.

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-58502129807450677102008-01-03T19:06:00.000-08:002008-01-03T19:08:16.004-08:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-20971850997273516532008-01-02T11:02:00.000-08:002008-01-02T11:04:44.911-08:00

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small new England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited.One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone.She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-69861360507995091812007-12-31T22:18:00.000-08:002007-12-31T22:19:35.137-08:00

Mitt Romney Is Candidate Most Voters Want To Get Into Bar FightAdd to My Profile | More Videos

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-78733495331629666082007-12-20T00:30:00.000-08:002007-12-20T00:37:27.183-08:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-81404216590023934252007-12-20T00:17:00.000-08:002007-12-20T00:41:10.068-08:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-59159320777754767422007-12-17T10:18:00.000-08:002007-12-17T10:20:18.244-08:00

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue?And then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake?Where did the glue go?NEED AN ANSWER?You know darned well where it went!That's what makes the cake stick to your BUTT!!!

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-7774777077875226922007-12-15T23:37:00.000-08:002007-12-15T23:38:09.860-08:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-21796092992624669722007-12-15T23:14:00.000-08:002007-12-15T23:15:37.485-08:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-2030586245898203282007-12-15T23:08:00.000-08:002007-12-15T23:09:59.324-08:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-40613772744473857242007-12-15T15:12:00.000-08:002007-12-15T15:14:43.401-08:00

I rear-ended a car this morning.So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just get sooooo stressed and life-stuff seems to get really funny?Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-48096461834786791582007-12-04T21:54:00.000-08:002007-12-04T22:06:21.017-08:00

Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People.'Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone.The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-67996062892267075332007-11-26T17:14:00.000-08:002007-11-26T17:16:15.604-08:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-50354853144450597522007-11-09T14:36:00.000-08:002007-11-09T14:38:50.776-08:00

Overheard on the Line...

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-70770118277850756342007-11-03T12:33:00.000-07:002007-11-03T12:36:09.153-07:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-44726942195888092302007-10-29T15:39:00.000-07:002007-10-29T15:39:37.377-07:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-12167265946858063712007-10-29T15:38:00.001-07:002007-10-29T15:38:54.591-07:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-72838674499399003352007-10-28T18:18:00.000-07:002007-10-28T18:19:35.535-07:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-46685945689340944442007-10-28T18:13:00.000-07:002007-10-28T18:18:39.460-07:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-25010113508196060662007-10-28T16:02:00.000-07:002007-10-28T16:04:24.358-07:00

One night an 87 yr. old woman came home from bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted-living apartment killing him instantly.Brought before the court on a charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-50525638811782667932007-10-27T22:15:00.000-07:002007-10-27T22:17:31.386-07:00

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dick heads, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-48732894409626360512007-10-27T22:06:00.000-07:002007-10-27T22:09:17.630-07:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-39629918533169479122007-10-27T22:00:00.000-07:002007-10-27T22:01:51.110-07:00

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different,"

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-9154560318669483202007-10-19T11:05:00.001-07:002007-10-20T10:47:32.332-07:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-69768377778326416722007-10-18T21:21:00.000-07:002007-12-04T22:08:20.359-08:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-32430398703479072742007-10-15T13:13:00.000-07:002007-10-15T13:14:19.256-07:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-81198810478503803192007-10-15T12:52:00.000-07:002007-10-15T12:54:42.474-07:00

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother- of-the-bride ever!A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-59374939657296580062007-10-08T13:35:00.000-07:002007-10-08T14:23:36.523-07:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-70785581970877560522007-10-06T13:38:00.000-07:002007-10-06T13:51:29.420-07:00

This is what Sad looks like.This is what Sorry looks like.Privacy Please.This is what Forgetful looks like.Mmmm, Toasty...What was that? A little louder please!I don't think I can hold it that long...I can fit under there. Crunch!!!Ow! My head!!Sotp! In the Name of Loev!!The Lights are on, but Nobody's home...Everyone of Nearsighted in this town...Ummm... Yeah, this one doesn't really need a

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-71715550092574337182007-10-01T12:36:00.000-07:002007-10-01T12:39:01.391-07:00

Whether you are a Billy Joel fan or not, you probably remember his great song "We Didn't Start the Fire." Here it is, set to pictures--- someone had the patience to give us a quick history lessonTurn up volume, sit back and enjoy a review of 50 years of history in less than 3 minutes!Thanks to Billy Joel and some guy from the University of Chicago with too much time to Google!The Video

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-6926517445543013352007-09-30T18:17:00.000-07:002007-09-30T18:18:25.047-07:00

On that fateful day, March 6, 1836, Davy Crockett woke up and walkedfrom his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post onthe West wall.William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were there already.The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them.Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said,"Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-67354826507176932402007-09-25T13:59:00.000-07:002007-09-25T14:01:00.602-07:00

A seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing chips from a neighborhood shop.The seagull waits until the shopkeeper isn't looking, and then walks into the store and grabs a snack-size bag of cheese Doritos.Once outside, the bag gets ripped open and shared by other birds.The seagull's shoplifting started early this month when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland, and

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-20326614185884993682007-09-25T08:54:00.000-07:002007-09-25T08:56:32.661-07:00

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.'Father,' he confessed, 'It has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-36832440540479795582007-09-22T10:34:00.000-07:002007-09-22T10:35:21.535-07:00

A Fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, wehave a wonderful system at the fire station:BELL 1 rings, and we all put on our jackets.BELL 2 rings, and we all slide down the pole.BELL 3 rings, and we're on the fire truck ready to go."From now on when I say 'BELL 1', I want you to strip naked. When Isay 'BELL 2', I want you to jump in bed. And when I say 'BELL 3', weare

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-37429841149990071222007-09-18T19:13:00.001-07:002007-09-18T19:13:41.092-07:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-41793233553521379642007-09-16T23:55:00.000-07:002007-09-17T00:04:35.664-07:00

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% . The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh,

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-30890630898681222612007-09-14T11:08:00.000-07:002007-09-14T11:14:10.762-07:00

The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it's the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it's the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the garage with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other. What began

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-50832283343976427182007-09-13T12:39:00.001-07:002007-09-13T12:47:12.907-07:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-79863201386134725112007-09-13T12:39:00.000-07:002007-10-31T17:03:29.767-07:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-54043664185652789252007-09-13T12:25:00.000-07:002007-09-13T12:26:34.531-07:00

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter"What are you doing?" She asked."Hunting Flies," He responded."Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked."Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-40199352755628078952007-09-08T19:25:00.000-07:002007-09-08T19:27:33.105-07:00

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-58825374391118553082007-09-06T23:06:00.000-07:002007-09-08T19:28:56.409-07:00

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%?What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.How about achieving 103%?What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If:

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-2377462808680392922007-09-05T11:30:00.000-07:002007-09-05T11:38:17.092-07:00

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogatefather to start their family.On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale."Good morning, Ma'am",he said, "I've

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-65812078929032679532007-08-18T13:13:00.001-07:002007-08-18T13:22:44.394-07:00

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-9286173726752871742007-08-15T12:56:00.000-07:002007-08-15T13:24:17.177-07:00

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-49771920203312730972007-08-14T17:14:00.000-07:002007-08-14T17:19:19.879-07:00

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live. Q: How can you increase the heart rate of a 50+ year old husband? Tell him you're pregnant.Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror? The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-28595786031274571882007-08-13T13:20:00.000-07:002007-08-13T15:55:47.851-07:00

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.If the plural of man is always called men,Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?If I speak of my foot and show you

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-31060546360611123592007-08-13T13:18:00.000-07:002007-08-13T13:20:34.229-07:00

Also, the French government announced that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.French firearms for sale. Never shot - dropped only once.

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-68171151810711842012007-08-12T20:18:00.000-07:002007-08-12T20:20:18.722-07:00

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?""Of course. What may I do for you?""Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-79547805035059897272007-08-12T20:11:00.000-07:002007-08-12T20:14:11.955-07:00

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.The only rule was they had to use past

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-79409627072200341502007-08-09T14:49:00.000-07:002007-08-09T14:50:23.402-07:00

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them Brides of Christ.Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row.The Mother Superior said to them, "I

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-86775343772662592852007-08-09T09:20:00.000-07:002007-08-09T09:21:18.517-07:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-70597161087689339082007-08-06T20:05:00.000-07:002007-08-06T20:09:20.236-07:00

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said,

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-2321799017378996792007-08-06T19:40:00.000-07:002007-08-06T19:41:12.456-07:00

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-52800736546017169592007-08-01T12:46:00.000-07:002007-08-01T12:51:06.659-07:00

(for those of you who wonder what living in Los Angeles is like...)RUMINATIONSAaron Karo’s world-famous email column________________________________________________________________________ 1997"Celebrating ten years of writing what you’re thinking!"2007________________________________________________________________________Issue #116 – "Manifest Destiny’s Child" – July 30th, 2007Circulation:

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-48097091024424663692007-07-31T22:53:00.000-07:002007-07-31T22:55:19.706-07:00

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-25915913737190092242007-07-30T00:32:00.000-07:002007-07-30T00:33:46.212-07:00

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that... in

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-17561793703076547942007-07-20T16:15:00.000-07:002007-07-20T16:16:52.180-07:00

Tortoise chasing a tomatoReally cute, but no audio...

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-79696171056694682572007-07-15T20:45:00.000-07:002007-07-15T20:55:15.821-07:00

TickTrainhttp://www.fightglobalwarming.com/

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-70931177915038512672007-07-15T10:57:00.000-07:002007-07-15T11:02:25.814-07:00

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.To write with a broken pencil is pointless.When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.The short

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-6833590274364835672007-07-15T10:50:00.000-07:002007-07-15T10:56:34.084-07:00

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.I had amnesia once -- or twice.I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?Did you know protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.What is a "free"

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-88408844522360294542007-07-15T08:53:00.000-07:002007-08-12T17:47:15.137-07:00

The LandlordWill Ferrell's landlady is crazy! Pearl is such a drunkard!!!

D.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18855771.post-84442254305612996672007-07-11T20:58:00.000-07:002007-07-11T21:00:30.121-07:00

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left."Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, blue Lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it

D.noreply@blogger.com0